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Thursday, December 19, 2013

Jay Beagle Should Be in the Olympics


Oh God….what have I gotten myself into.

Ok, he's really good at the face-off dot.  He's won 66 in 110 tries, which gives him a team best 60% win percentage.  That actually also ranks him towards the top of the league with guys who regularly take face offs.  I mean, that's excellent.  I mean, Team Canada, imagine having Beagle out on the ice with just ten seconds left.  He lines up at the dot, staring his hopeless opponent dead in the eyes.  The puck drops, he flips it back to the waiting Corey Perry, who fires it right into the net for the game winner.  Or...or, imagine him in the defensive zone with ten seconds left.  He lines up at the face-off dot, looks his hopeless opponent dead in the eyes.  The puck drops, he flips it back to the waiting Duncan Keith, who flings it down the ice, securing the win.  I mean that's really important, right?

Ok….ooh, that's not good…he's only played in 14 games….let's check how many goals….oh, that's zero….alright, how about the number of assists….ok, cool, he has one….that ranks him at…..571st in the league….his relative corsi is -1.2….that's not good…ummm….he does draw 1.6 penalties every 60 minutes of play, that's decent…oh, but he only plays, let's see 8:52 a game….
He wants to go to Sochi so bad


Jay Beagle is the prototypical Canadian.  He will represent the average man perfectly, and that's why he should go to Sochi.

  1. He says the word "Eh" more than necessary.
  2. When he was little, he wanted to either be a hockey player or a mountie when he grew up
  3. He is a huge fan of Tim Hortons 
  4. He is extremely polite
  5. He ate a moose once
  6. Loves maple syrup
  7. Cherishes maple trees/leaves
  8. Knows every word to the Canadian National anthem
  9. Loves to explore the wilderness and chops wood on occasion
  10. Really has a tough time deciding between Labatt Blue and Molson Canadian
So, because Jay Beagle literally does everything Canadian as Canadian as possible, he most definitely should deserve a spot on Team Canada.

I tried.

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